Just a fool to believe

handsYesterday my heart was dark. In the morning, I received the news that I did not get a job that I thought I wanted. I was one of two final candidates. Obviously, they chose the other guy. You’d think I’d be used to rejection but this felt different because it wasn’t about my creative work; it was about me and how I did not fit into someone’s mold of what they think they need.

When I told my son about not getting the job, he was baffled. Who could be better than Mummy? Knowing that I am the person he would always choose is what healed me. There is no one better for this important role I have in his life. I know that and so does he.

I was also, oddly, healed by Patrick Swayze. Always, after a particularly painful or judgy rejection, I turn to my mantra from Dirty Dancing, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” If I can say that to myself a good fifty times, it helps to heal the wound. Didn’t work so well yesterday, but…

When I was at the grocery store, Swayze found me again when “She’s Like the Wind” came on the loudspeaker and as I listened, I truly became Baby.

I don’t need him. He needs me and he would be goddamned lucky to have me and living without me will drive him insane. I am out of his league and he’s a fool to believe he is anything I need. He can’t even make eye contact because I am so far above him.

I do not need you. I am like the wind.

Instead of going to sleep with a heavy heart, I went to sleep lying next to my kid, holding his hand. I went to sleep filled with gratitude for all that I have. I am home. I am warm. Those I love the most are with me. Tomorrow, I will break bread with more family. There is not much more that I need.

And you? You are like the wind, my friend. You are.

Thank you, Patrick Swayze.

4 Comments on “Just a fool to believe

  1. Thanks Mony! I went through a very similar situation within the last month and I also had a very difficult time coming to grips with why they wouldn’t want ME! Through the love and support of family, I realized only that matters – not the judgement that outsiders put on us! Your story touched my heart!

    • Hi Sue, I’m sorry you went through a hard time. I’m so happy you have your family. I agree with you–that’s all that matters. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. I’m grateful to have so many lifelong friends like you. xo

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