Just a fool to believe
Yesterday my heart was dark. In the morning, I received the news that I did not get a job that I thought I wanted. I was one of two final candidates. Obviously, they chose the other guy. You’d think I’d be used to rejection but this felt different because it wasn’t about my creative work; it was about me and how I did not fit into someone’s mold of what they think they need.
When I told my son about not getting the job, he was baffled. Who could be better than Mummy? Knowing that I am the person he would always choose is what healed me. There is no one better for this important role I have in his life. I know that and so does he.
I was also, oddly, healed by Patrick Swayze. Always, after a particularly painful or judgy rejection, I turn to my mantra from Dirty Dancing, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” If I can say that to myself a good fifty times, it helps to heal the wound. Didn’t work so well yesterday, but…
When I was at the grocery store, Swayze found me again when “She’s Like the Wind” came on the loudspeaker and as I listened, I truly became Baby.
I don’t need him. He needs me and he would be goddamned lucky to have me and living without me will drive him insane. I am out of his league and he’s a fool to believe he is anything I need. He can’t even make eye contact because I am so far above him.
I do not need you. I am like the wind.
Instead of going to sleep with a heavy heart, I went to sleep lying next to my kid, holding his hand. I went to sleep filled with gratitude for all that I have. I am home. I am warm. Those I love the most are with me. Tomorrow, I will break bread with more family. There is not much more that I need.
And you? You are like the wind, my friend. You are.
Thank you, Patrick Swayze.