I bought some of those LED candles for our windows for the holidays. So easy. No wires. But I accidentally broke the glass flame of the one in my room (I had a spare). Such a small, fragile bulb, but the glass went everywhere. It took me a long time to clean it and I still stepped on pieces along the way.
Tonight a piece fell onto the floor from seemingly nowhere as I was getting into my pajamas. I thought of the heart. How your heart can be fractured into millions of tiny fragments and you try to clean them all up and you think you’re doing a pretty good job of it. At least superficially no one can tell that anything is broken. But every once in a while you find a piece and quickly scoop it up and throw it in the trash. Oh and then you step on something and it’s another damn piece and it wedges in your toe and hurts you for a while but then that pain goes away too.
And then you forget about the pain. You move on. You start to feel okay again. And then good. And then great. But then a piece of glass tumbles onto the ground in front of you and as you pick it up you cut yourself and you remember again.
But the supply of glass needn’t be endless. Eventually you will run out of glass if you let yourself.
It was the smallest light bulb after all, even though it did burn so brightly when it was lit, letting passersby know that you were there, inside, alive.
Go. Find your own bulb to replace it with. A bulb that, while just as fragile as the last, will burn brightly still. A beacon. Hope shining out in the darkness.
Annie Dillard wrote, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” On the first of each month, Catching Days hosts a guest writer in the series, “How We Spend Our Days.” Today, ple…
I have been looking into schedules. Even when we read physics, we inquire of each least particle, What then shall I do this morning? How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. Wha…
It starts with a girl. It always starts with a girl.
She presents herself as unafraid but she is fearful or we know or suspect that she will become so as she ages. As her innocence fades, wears thin. As the eyes of men and boys weigh upon her bones. The judgment. The lust.
She meets a stranger. She is enlightened, emboldened.
She learns why she is special.
(Be wary of people who tell you you are special. Tell her that. But you can’t tell her, because you are writing her. She belongs to you after all.)
She doesn’t know what she’s capable of.
She is 11.
She loves the woods.
She is at home there.
She is the one who saves everyone.
She saves herself. She saves her father. She saves her mother.
Saves the town. The world.
(Maybe that is going too far. No. It’s not too far. She saves the world.)
It starts with a girl.
It starts with a girl in the woods.
Her heart is big and open for now.
It always starts there. With a girl in the woods.
Here is what I have come to after a year of learning: my job as a parent is not to teach my child how to live a life of perfection. Rather, my job is to teach him how to thrive in times of imperfection and adversity. My job is to teach resilience. Basically, as painful as it is to realize, the goal is to teach him how to one day live without me.
Not including those brave and strong parents whose children will never be able to be independent, I see a lot of modern parents struggle with the concept of letting our children grow and push forward for themselves (I struggle with this myself). Given my current life situation, I have had to let go of a great deal of control. I have had to enlist trust and acceptance and as such I have come to believe even more fully and wholly in my child and his abilities even more than I already did (and I didn’t think that was possible). As such, I have watched my child grow in ways I didn’t even know he was capable of yet. Through it all, I have seen him retain his loving and trusting heart. I have seen him survive, thrive, even.
On mother’s day I see much lauding of the perfection of motherhood, of the sacrifice, of the dignity, of the beauty, of the devotion, of the selflessness. As a mother, I have always felt myself on the outside of such praise. I knew I loved my child wholeheartedly and that I was the very best mother I could be, but I never felt as good as the other mothers. I felt undignified, sometimes selfish, often tired, sometimes frustrated, often anxious about my abilities. I felt wholly and completely flawed and unlovable. When my child expressed his love for me again and again, I couldn’t believe that he could love me despite everything that I felt was so utterly and completely wrong with me.
Today, I want you to consider that perfection is a crutch and that embracing your own imperfection and imperfections of others is, in fact, your liberation. Let go of the need to show the world only the pretty pictures of your family. Instead, show the outtakes. Your true beauty lies in those moments when your child is embracing you and you forget that you have a cigarette in your hand and that your laugh lines are showing.
As for me, I embrace my imperfection. And now more than ever, I believe fully and completely in my ability to mother. I have mothered my child through change and adversity. I have mothered my child with everything I have. I will mother your children. Give me the world’s children. I embrace them all with the brave heart my mother gave me.
*** The title of this post comes from this poem by May Sarton: For My Mother.
Once I was an alien living here. A child brought here by my parent. Like so many of your neighbors brought here as children, I didn’t choose to live in this country, but this was where I lived. It is my country and I love it as much as you who were born here love it. Seven years ago I became an American citizen and then became one of the privileged, the voters. It took me longer than it should have to become a citizen. It was, clearly, not a decision I took lightly but it’s one I’m happy I made.
Even before citizenship, as one who resided within this country, I still had rights, paid taxes, paid social security (even though I would not have gotten it back), and loved this country. I could have also served in the military, had I chosen to.
I don’t take the power to vote lightly. It is, indeed, a privilege. What I will be considering when I make my vote in the Massachusetts primary today is which of the candidates has the best record on issues of gun control, social justice, equality, the environment, education, health care, protecting and caring for the disadvantaged, and peacemaking.
As for you, I know that if you are in a Super Tuesday state, you will vote with your heart. I know you will make a choice based not on fear, but on creating a better world.
Citizens: You have the power.
Where there are walls, I know you will break them down.
I know you build a bridge and hold out your hand to those on the other side who need you.
For the past couple of years I have been posting a year in preview as opposed to a year in review. It was meant to be both tongue-in-cheek and hopeful. Clearly, I had no idea how much hubris was involved in these posts.
In my defense, I never posted absolutes. It was mostly about the emotional life of a human. But even that, as we know, is not so easily plotted.
In fact, the beauty of malleable human emotion is why I am a writer. We are both predictable and unpredictable. Done and undone in a moment.
In the last half of this year, people have approached me with dismay, with pity, with compassion, with anger, with empathy, with sadness, with disdain, with happiness, with warmth, with love, with fellowship.
Then there are those who have simply drifted away as though that had always been the best choice. Maybe it was.
I am both ghost and bleeding human. My heart beats and is extinguished. As does your heart.
All I can tell you right now about the year ahead is that the people I love best are alive and living. That our lives are full of lightness and dark. Happiness and anguish. Our lives are like all human life: Both extraordinary and blissfully ordinary.
All I can tell you for sure is that we are in a constant state of becoming.
So my wish for 2016 is this: Become with me. Become.